confused and fucked up

This blog post was going to be about me, how fucked up I am. How life confuses me. But as I wrote it something occurred to me, other peoples actions actually have a massive impact on that state of  my confusion.

When we have something on our minds, or in our hearts, we spend so much time dwelling on it, thinking about how to say it, forming the words in a way to protect ourselves.

But what about the person you are saying them to? Do we give as much thought to that? Sure if we are telling them bad news we always try to deliver it gently.  What about the other stuff? stuff that makes us feel good inside.

That person you fancy, you've had your eye on them. They are friendly towards you. You think you're reading the signals right. So *boom* you tell them.

I want you

You're the one for me

I need you

Do we give a thought for their feelings? or take into account your situation?

*boom*

I want you (its OK if I am married)

You're the one for me (my wife was just there to pass the time)

I need you (I don't care that it will break your heart)

This is coming from recent experience. What about my feelings in all that? I'm in a new relationship that's going so well. One that I think probably has a future. Then someone comes along and chucks their feelings at you and expects you to process it. their feelings and yours.

Its taken me all day to write this post. As I couldn't work out where I was going with it. Maybe nowhere. Maybe this post has no moral. Its just a moan and whine. Maybe by writing this I have looked at myself, and how I am. How I behave around others.

But then am I saying that I deserved it, because I like a laugh and a giggle with people?
just like girls who go out at night as to be attacked?
should I change the way I behave, so that men don't think its OK to act on their impulses? change the way I talk, the way I dress, act, smile, laugh, look at people.

Maybe I should get a fan and hide behind it? Not use social networking sites so I don't put temptation out there?

Well I don't see why I should. And I am not going to, I like the person I am. Mostly.

OK so perhaps the moral here is be careful, don't trample all over peoples feelings. Even if you think what you are saying or revealing is wonderful. It may open a can of worms you aren't ready for.

resistance is futile (seemingly)

2012 has seen a few exciting events for Great Britain - The Diamond Jubilee, GB winning the Tour de France, I qualified as a Midwife (ok ok, so maybe not a national event), and also we hosted the 2012 Olympics.


The country went bloody mad about it, and quite frankly it annoyed the hell out of me. the TV was full of it, the papers was full of it, my flipping Twitter time line was full of it.  That was even before the event kicked off!

The torch arriving in a town was gauranteed to cause a major upheaval.

Everything and everyone was covered in the Union flag (please note, that we are talking about the union flag - its not a Jack unless its on a boat, a number of our patriotic residents might do well to remember that!).

once the opening ceremony was underway you couldn't move for the flipping Olympics.

I avoided it, even the opening ceremony. Actually that was accidental I didn't necesarily plan to but I was asked on a dinner date, and who am I to resist that?

But then it became almost a personal challenge of mine to make sure I DID NOT WATCH A SINGLE BLOODY EVENT.

ok I do admit to downloading the Dressage event on iplayer and I did watch that last week.

But that is all.

However then the closing ceremony was here and I felt a small tinge of regret that I hadn't made the effort (shush don't tell anyone).

Then the Paralympics was upon us and I decided to correct that regret and bought tickets for blokey and me to see the road racing event at Brands Hatch. I started the day with some trepidation, thought I would be bored pantless. Ha! how wrong can you be? it was brilliant. the paralympians, the atmosphere, the volunteers, the spectators, the organisation of it - all brilliant, honestly couldn't fault a thing.
Every nation cheering for everyone, spectators and crew alike.

Awesome, amazing, incredible.

Seeing a GB gold being won was spectacular. Standing right by the podium as the medals were awarded. Then to see the Union flag hoisted up the pole and the British National Anthem being played, put shivers down my spine.

Yes flipping amazing.

I only wish I had not been so stubborn in the first place and enjoyed it a bit more!

Trust

So here's a thing that I didn't think I would be writing about again so soon.
Relationships, or rather an intimate relationship.Defined by good old Wiki as 

An intimate relationship is a particularly close interpersonal relationship that involves physical or emotional intimacy. Physical intimacy is characterized by romantic or passionate sex and attachment, or sexual activity. 
Intimate relationships play a central role in the overall human experience. Humans have a general desire to belong and to love which is usually satisfied within an intimate relationship. Intimate relationships involve the physical and sexual attraction by one person to another, liking and loving, romantic feelings and sexual relationships, as well as the seeking of a mate and emotional and personal support of each other. 
Intimate relationships provide a social network for people that provide strong emotional attachments, and fulfill our universal need of belonging and the need to be cared for.

Yes readers, I am in a relationship. Its official. We've been seeing each other a little over 2 months and its good. Its fun. Its lovely. Its satisfying. Its actually looking to be a bit serious.

Trust.

Not something I have a lot of in other human beings, having been let down so badly in the past. 

Trust

apparently you need that to build a good relationship. That's a bit tricky then.  He says all these wonderful things to me. Looks me in the eyes and tells me I am the one for him, the only one, no one has ever made him feel like this before.

And in my head I think; who else have you said that to. Am I just another woman to be fed the same line?

I ask him, no he says. Trust me he says

I can't. I can't trust. giving my trust to someone is too much, too dangerous. 

He says he understands, will be patient, understands I have barriers up for self preservation.

He could be the one for me too. But I worry perhaps I am not ready? the right person, but at the very wrong time?

Trust, such a small simply word that carries so much weight and importance in life.

I barely trust myself to not wreck this relationship, I am so good at that - pushing them away to protect myself, and pushing too hard.  

So
How can I trust him not to take my heart and walk away with it? 

*gulp*

With the final result of my final piece of academic work released today I have officially completed my course.

Bsc Honours

wow - 3 long hard years, finished.  At times I thought it would kill me - seriously
questioned my sanity many many times

with hindsight would I do it again? no - most definitely not. The course is the hardest thing I have ever done, and even now after completing and having a job to go to I am not sure I feel the love of it.  Time will tell I guess. but right now I am terrified of working as a newly qualified. it seems this is normal, it seems all finalists feel this.

Dreams - weird dreams - of making terrible mistakes or being in terrible situations that cant be resolved.

waking in a cold sweat screaming and crying.

I hope this all passes


But for now I am going to enjoy my Annual Leave and try not to think about starting work too much!

Life is precious

My last post got me thinking a lot more about the fragility of life.

I have lost people close to me over the years, and the older I get the more this happens.  My first memory of loss was my Grandad when I was 15 - it didn't really effect me I was nver close to him (he was 95 when he died) on relflection my Nan must have felt the loss - not only of her husband but the man who would take care of everything.

Then late last year my father in law died, very suddenly and just before he was 65. The effect on my was far deeper, and on my children - particularly my middle child.

But my poor mother in law, she had so much to cope with and at such a young age. not least of all the worry about money, even paying for the funeral seemed such a hurdle - she wasn't sure what insurances policies had been taken out and with whom.

This made me think much more about my future, I am only young (well 43 isn't old is it?) but who knows what's round the corner.
and I am a single parent with 2 young children who need caring for..........

I think I need to write a will, and I also think I need to plan a bit more for the future financially, which of course means life insurance.

I don't doubt for a moment my mum would take care of my children if anything happened to me, but is it fair to put a financial burden on a retired 70 year old?

Wow I think all this thinking and planning means I might actually be growing up!

Social Networking

Do you?
facebook, twitter, bbm, kik, whatsapp......
all these places to communicate, network and chat.
On the whole people I encounter are lovely many of who I chat to I already know in 'the flesh'
some I have chatted to only online, but have so much fun and they are interesting a witty people
on the whole

but boy oh boy it can be a weird place.......

you cannot be easily offended, or shocked, in my opinion. It seems folks have a bravado online which makes them say things I am not sure they would say normally..... or maybe they would - who am I to say?

How do you sort out the good guys from the rest? I don't know yet, trial and error? Be careful what you say, don't rise to the bait of the 'trolls' and be careful what you share with others.

That's the best place to start....

sadness

At work we have a very small moses basket. Its kept in the utility room.
It makes me sad when I see it.
It gets used far too often. that makes me sad
It was used again today. I am very sad.

I will light my candle again tonight

Somebody wants me!

Last week I arrived at the hospital - suited and booted, knees like jelly, sick to the pit of my stomach - for THE JOB INTERVIEW

The 1.5 hours of my life that the last 4 years have been building up to - nervous? me? no not at all!

just a small matter of getting through the skills and drills, drug calculation paper and an interview with 2 senior midwives (labour ward co ordinator and consultant midwife in my case!)

I managed to scrape 90% on paper (pass mark), skills were scary but got through it, interview well all I can say is I spoke like a rabid baboon.

but apparently the trust like rabid baboons because I ONLY WENT & GOT OFFERED THE JOB!

Now thats proper scary grown up stuff right? someone believes in me, in the fact I can be a good midwife.

Do you know what that means? It means that perhaps I should start believing in myself!

a small matter of my dissertation passing (yes I finished it and submitted), completing my skills book, 3 x 1k essays, nmc registration and 15 shifts as a student............

How exciting!

The Fog Is Clearing

That's honestly how it feels.  The last 2.5 years have been the worse I have ever been through, for a while it felt like my world had quite literally collapsed.

I was left standing in the middle of the rubble that was once my life, my dreams stolen and smashed.  Me wondering what the hell to do next.

But instead of trying to work out what to do next I just carried on.

Dealt with the house, dealt with the bills, dealt with the kids, dealt with life.

But not actually living life

Putting on my uniform and going to work, and making a positive difference to other women's lives.  Whilst mine turned from rubble to dust, and eventually blew away in a gust of angry wind.

and I was left with nothing.

Yes of course I had my kids, my home, my dream uni place........ and I know how lucky I was to have those (without them I probably wouldn't be here) but no real life, just functioning - numb from the grief of losing my husband, lover, best friend, my rock, my one constant.......

and dumb from the anti depressants I took - the dosage quadrupled by the GP in the wake of everything that happened.

Then early this year I started to wake up, and decided I didn't want to take the anti depressants anymore - I wanted to *feel* even if that was to feel pain, hurt, sadness and anger - but it must also mean to feel love, happiness, joy, pleasure......

So I started to wean myself off - it was awful, the withdrawal side effects were hideous.  but I did it and I took the last tablet 77 days ago (yes I am counting ) and life hasn't go easier, yes I feel pain - lots of it.  I also feel happiness and joy - and that feeling is amazing, I feel my heart could burst at times. When I am sad and cry, I can hold on to that feeling.

And Mr B? well I don't think he copes well with me 'getting on with life' some friends pointed this out to me, the stronger I become the more insecure he becomes - he throws obstacles in my way to try to destroy me, withdraws childcare, gets shitty about money, accuses me of being bitchy and starting fights...... I can see through it all now - like my eyes are finally open!

I faced a fear a few weeks ago and had a mirena fitted, probably seems like nothing to a man, and many women would say whats the fuss about - but for me this was a big thing, and very traumatic.  But I did it.  I am taking control.

I joined a dating website! and I am having so much fun.... nothing serious, some flirting, some meeting, maybe a bit more - but feeling like someone desires my company, finds me fun to be with, enjoys my chat. That makes me feel wonderful.  I probably wont find Mr. Right, but its fun for what it is.

I have shied away from any camera for years, as long as I remember I have felt self conscious when a lens is around.  Yesterday at work there was a crew in filming a 'virtual tour' of our new maternity unit. I was asked if I was happy to be in it - and I agreed not a flinch! me! well I could have laughed my socks off.

Yep I am taking control of my life, embracing every experience, and I fully expect to have down days, because that's normal right?

I am normal, right?

I'm *so* sorry

I didn't realise you were still there, waiting for me to write more crap!

The last post was sad, it was a sad event. But hey I am superhuman right? Picked myself up, brushed myself down - yadayadayada.

But its true you just go on fighting, moving forward, wading through the shit

YES I am still trying to write my dissertation
YES I am still dreading my next placement
YES I am still doing too much for my Dad
YES I am still struggling to be an adequate Mum
YES I am still alone

But its my shit and I am dealing with it, in my own perpetually confused way!

MY Dissertation is nearly finished
MY next placement is only 6 shifts
MY Dad assures me he will be dead soon (cheers Dad)
MY kids think I am an OK Mum, mostly
I am alone - but not lonely

Because if this taught me one thing, it taught me that I can be wanted, and desired. and I can choose to run with that, or I can choose to be alone and enjoy my own company and that of my friends.

Or I can choose to do both - because I can date, without committing my life to a man, I can have a bit of a flirt and enjoy myself without introducing him to my kids! Who knows, maybe one day one of these flirts or fun dates will become something, but for now I am on my own, not alone and I am doing O.K with it

Careless talk costs lives

Or at least, it can break hearts.

the last couple of years have been incredibly hard on me, emotionally, after Mr.B left.  I didn't think my heart would ever heal as it was broken so badly. But then for the last couple of weeks I have been very much cheered up by a certain bloke I met on the Internet, its been great fun chatting and texting.  Even talking of maybe meeting up.
Then something happened that confused me (now that doesn't take a lot, but with relationship stuff its really confusing) so I talked to a mutual friend of ours.
Unfortunately she thought she was doing the right thing by talking to him - no that was the worse thing she could have done, and now he wants no more contact with me.

So now I am back to square one, reminding myself that hearts on sleeves and trust aren't good things.

I really don't think I will bother anymore.  I don't like being alone, but at least alone you know where you stand and no one can hurt you.

Because really there is only so much hurt you can endure isn't there?

Maybe lovely bloke will forgive me, maybe he won't. But as he won't give me a chance then I can't explain that I am actually a very honest and upfront person (yup that'll be most my problem won't it?)

I just want to be happy, is that really too much to ask for?
I realise I should count my blessings with my children and my health, but don't you think emotional well being goes way beyond that.  I think its about being comfortable in your own skin and not self doubting all the time.  But if you keep getting knocked back how will you ever achieve that?

urgh this is not a good day, I'm still ill which makes it *very* hard to be rational about stuff.

Going to have a couple of hours downtime now and see if I can stop my head from whirling thoughts around - its like having a blender up there at the moment.

I want my Mum!

At what age do you stop wanting your Mum when you are ill?
Because I am 43 and and feel proper poorly and I want my Mum
At least I want someone to look after me, to make me a cup of tea and give me a hug.  Tuck me in bed, and read me a story!
However I am the brave soldier, who packed her daughters suitcase for the trip away, went to work today, did the Brownie run this evening and proof read my dissertation. All with a raging temperature, banging headache and a chesty cough - Hooray for Day Nurse.

Being a kid is wonderful, only when you're a kid you don't realise it - as they say youth is wasted on the young!

O.K I am a bit of a wimp when I am ill, I admit it!

So here I am

I passed my exam.  This made me very happy.

But everything else seems to leave me confused.  Its like my mind can compute black and white, but the minute things go grey I can't understand it.

I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve a lot - which is crazy when I have major trust issues!

Its like I want to set myself up for a fall, but the thought of that just leaves me feeling sick.

I swear this was easier when I was a teenager!

If you fancied them you said 'want to go out'

If they pissed you off you said 'right what have I done wrong'

If you saw them eyeing up another girl you said 'eyes front lad or piss off'

and by and large that was it.

you were frequently a dumper, or the the dumped.  you went home, ate chocolate, cried and packed up all his mixed cassettes in a box and gave them back to him.  As I got older cards and love letters joined the cassettes, and eventually engagement rings.  well actually thats a bollocking great lie - I kept all those!

But in the end you piked yourself out, put on a bit of lippy and went out with your mates. Hey presto you met someone else.

These days there is so much more at stake; Your dignity for one! and the amount of 'time' and 'energy' you invest seems to be so much more precious when you are older.

Not sure why that it is, maybe something to do with realising your own mortality after all there comes a time when you have to wake up to the fact you may have less years left to live, than you have already lived.

Important to make that time matter then? Not hide away, and be scared.

But life is scary, and it is easy to hide.

Maybe I should cover that heart up a bit.  Stop spending my life feeling sick about everything. Just sit back and enjoy it for the ride that it is.

Yeah recognsing your own faults is one thing, but is it possible to act on them and improve things?

Exam stress, dissertations and reflection

Of everything I have been through in my life, I can honestly say that hand on heart this is the most stressful time. EVER.

I failed an exam which I had to resit (or restand because its a practical!) this morning, my dissertation deadline is looming, portfolio needs completing and reflections need writing.

All this and I still need to get a job! I find it utterly amazing that despite training with the trust for 3 years, getting a job on qualification is not a given. We have to apply and interview the same as everyone else.  the interview process also includes emergency work stations (such as the stuff we've been going through with OSCE's), only if you pass that will you have an interview - all done on the same day, the walk of shame if you don't get through the work stations must be horrific - worse than falling off your heels on a night out!

Actually I feel pretty sick about the whole process - especially when I am still not sure whether I really want to be a midwife.

Well I do want to be a midwife, I love it.  I love supporting women through such an important time of their life.  But I cannot cope with the politics in the hospital, or some of the seemingly pointless policies and protocols.  And as for the way staff at a lower band (and students) are generally treated, that is appalling.  There are still some 'sisters' who will order a student to make a cup of tea for her, even though the 'sister' is doing paperwork and the student is desperately trying to gain experiences, numbers for her book and essential skills.  Mind you I have seen Newly Qualifieds behaving the same way - seems to give them a sense of importance (even though they were a student just few months previously).

I hope I can remember these things when I am a mentor and can cut some slack to how my students may be feeling, not expecting them to cope with the awful things we see, with no support just an order to 'make a pot of tea'.  maybe I will re read this post once a month from November onwards just to keep myself grounded?

A little bit of what you fancy

chocolate, shoe shopping, wine, trashy soap operas, dolly parton, online flirting........

So which one is anymore harmful than another? You want my opinion? none. 

they are all good for your soul, as long as you dont binge on the chocolate, max the credit card on the shoes, get drunk every night, do nothing but lounge on the sofa in front of TV, Dont sing Dolly at 3am and do not do anything to hurt another with the cheeky chatting.

And me? well I don't drink wine (very often!) but the rest I do indulge in, some more than others - and I enjoy them all!

I like a bit of statistics

and I found it fascinating that only 4% of you are browsing in firefox!



 

equally amazing is that the majority of you use a mac (I know at least 2 of you by name!) although 1 of you is obviously top secret

 

but what really intrigues me is who the fuck is reading my blog in Russia?!

 

34 days

ye gods have I found a tardis and travelled back in time?

no the righteous one (programme tutor) has granted me a 2 week extension

thank fuck for that!

mind you still have to get personal tutor to write a letter supporting me.  personal tutor is also dissertation superviser.

and the small matter of 5000 words still left to write!

21 + 9 dAYS!

Today has not been such a productive day, dissertation wise.

Not a good start when I found NITS crawling through smallest child's hair at 8am!

So a swimming lesson, a bath, and a wet comb later and despite getting up at 7am its time to cook lunch.

finally sit down to do some work, with constant interruptions, at 2.30pm *sigh*

but that's OK, I have critiqued a 4th article, and my innovation is looking well supported, and have written a further 450 words.  making a total of  3,078 - getting there

I am a bit confused about where I am getting to tonight.  chatting to some other dissertating girls on my course, we all seem to have been given different advice from out own supervisors.  Who got the right advice I wonder?!

Good Night

My Day in Tweets

Lovely sparkly scout hut. 1 hour 4 mummies and a daddy (and 2 small people) come on everyone time to #volunteer for something

http://twitpic.com/9epe8i says it all if you ask me!

*gulp* just made my world famous macaroni cheese and i can't have any!

@n4b_ thank you meet me outside kurk geigers in an hour and we can get the other. Bring your wallet

My daughter just told me i am too old to have a boyfriend. Great way to make me feel good #goodforthegoose

You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it. M Thatcher. she wasn't my favourite person but thems wise words

@BeingMrsC hushhhhh you dont want them to stamp on your parcel!

@flylilypad @keileybobs shame on you that's nothing to be proud of. And squeeze and release and squeeze and release and repeat!

@richboden @flylilypad @keileybobs morning sickness and a weak pelvic floor. Superb result!

@zooarchaeologis are they a good size? last show home i visited you couldn't get down stairs if the loo door was open!

I think i have my innovation and o boy it excites me!

O I am so very glad I opted to do the OPTIONAL Honours module *sigh* #dissertation hell!

@zooarchaeologis and that is why I stopped visiting them, they make me feel like an inadequate slut

for my masters I will be exploring the question do dissertations make you fat - I suspect my conclusion will be yes!

@zooarchaeologis indeed it will, but what will come first my word limit or submission time?!

do it or get a nags head in ur bed@daddacool for The Big Turn on. See his profile here:http://the-big-turn-on.co.uk/nissan/21#profile #NissanLeafCar21 #NissanLEAFTBTO

Blast have lost my lottery ticket its ok though it was a lucky dip so i would have no idea if i won or not!

@n4b_ ordinary geek? dont put yourself down - I hereby name you supergeek!

Its really not nice out there tonight :-\

Wow I talk some rubbish at times! interesting to look back on a snippet of your thoughts and emotions throughout the day though.  I will look back in 10 years and think - well I will think what was I thinking!

what comes next? thirty-one days!

A good day folks!
so an evening off, and a good nights sleep did help.

Today I feel so incredibly positive about the dissertation, and at this point when I am about to finish for the day I can report

1. I have written up 3 out of 5 of my pieces for my literature review
2. come up with a - quite frankly - brilliant innovation
3. written 1,287 - pretty decent - words for the lit review.
4. been a mum 2 small people (their dad chooses not to see them this weekend)
5. helped clean the scout hut
6. and complete many mundane household tasks

 Now I am going to have a yummy jacket potato, and put my feet up in front of the TV to watch a bit of casualty!

thirty-two days

yesterday I had a jippy tummy

Last night I had a full on panic attack, I haven't had one of those in years

Today I have cleaned my dads house, taken my Dad to the supermarket, run a 1001 errands for my Dad


then I fell asleep whilst the kids were in the bath!

now I am accepting that I am stressed and its playing havoc with me

So I might critique a paper tonight, or I might just give myself an evening in front of the TV!

thirty three days and counting

I have 33 days until my last chance to get my final draught of my dissertation looked at by my supervisor.
Its 10,000 words
I have written about 1,500 of decent stuff
I have had to do a new literature search
today I have

1. reviewed 2 pieces of literature
2. found 2 more pieces
3. written 0 words

its going to be a long 33 days - at least 258 words a day, and thats before you take into account re writes, note making, lit reviewing, banging head on keyboard, kids, life and work - must remember mantra

IT WILL BE WORTH IT IN THE END!

Physician, heal thyself

which doesn't actually mean what I took it to mean, although its meaning does make sense!

to the point of the post, its not so much doctors make yourself better around here; more like midwife keep yourself in business!

I am not sure whether the midwives I work with were scared of losing their jobs, or whether the rumour is true about a 'certain' chair. But I found out today another wonderful midwife is pregnant! I think thats 9 now? and I am not sure how many are currently on maternity leave!

Congratulations to you all - its lovely

I just need to make sure I find that chair, as I most certainly will not be sitting on it!

I wrote a fab blog

in my head during my lunch break today

I have forgotten every single word of it - can't even remember what it was about!

so you'll have to take my word for it that it would have been an amazing read!

mmmm who would blog?

interesting question. I was talking about my blog to a couple of colleagues today, they asked me what I write about.

I tried to explain, when in my head all I kept thinking was 'TWADDLE'!

I started blogging way back when Mr.B and me were planing our wedding, as a way of keeping my thoughts straight and letting everyone know how the plans were going.

this blog doesn't seemed to have evolved into anything yet - its neither a progress blog, nor a boasting blog, nor a very helpful blog.

I don't think it really makes for riveting reading either - mostly. I must say some interesting things because I do get hits *hello whoever*

what would you like to read about? I can be whatever you want me to be, no that sounds just plain wrong. I like blogging, I can let my mind wander and I find it helps give me clarity of thought.

I have written so many blog posts, in my head, usually whilst driving - I need to those down on 'paper' and out there into the blogasphere - because in my mind they are witty and fab posts.

Now what was I saying? O yeah, who would blog?
I guess its people like me, who like the sound of their own thoughts and think their opinions matter!

blast

I failed my Exam - this has not helped me be positive about everything.
the childrens Dad is being less than helpful with looking after them.
this means I am falling way behind with my dissertation.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

That is all

for now

Electric cars, the way forward?

I have a lovely friend, who I had the the privilege of supporting through the last part of her 3rd pregnancy, and in the early days after Danger was born.

Her Husband is hoping to win a fantastic new electric car from Nissan (which is the car I plan to buy once I qualify!)- you can help them by voting for him - click the link on the right hand side here, or visit his blog (always a good read), there is also a video you can watch of the challenge to feed his family for the cost of days car electrical charge!

And I am sure if they won they would buy me a big cake!

seriously though, it would be great for this young family to have a break, they have had some rotten luck recently!

Sunny Days and Exams

So the weather has changed again! My first mother in law (o yeas there have been 2!) is from Guyana, she once commented that we don't have a climate in the UK we have weather - I am inclined to agree.
The girls spent the weekend with their dad, and when I packed last Tuesday (OK well in advance but I had to be organised last week!) the weather was - well - dull! come the weekend the poor kids didn't have light clothes, sandals, sun hats, suncream........
Mr.B managed to get them has, but despite my suggestion he picked some other stuff up eldest daughter went to school on Monday with ugg style boots on and no sunhat *sigh*

never mind all sorted now, a mad dash into the loft on Monday evening resulted in summer school dresses for them both! Of course, middle child has now been off sick for 2 days so we haven't had much chance to enjoy the sun. But the guinea pigs have and I love getting the laundry on the line.

So the reason for Mr.B having the girls for a long weekend was for some last minute revision for me. Monday was my OSCE exams *gulp* . Knowing only we would have to deal with 2 emergency midwifery skills and one clinical skill - there was a lot to revise. Monday morning found me a quivering wreck! one neonatal resus, one pph, an aeseptic fse application and 3 hours later and it was over. Time will tell if I have done enough to pass, I am quietly confident that I was fine on exam 2 and 3 but am worried about my performance in the first one. Nerves got the better of me and tears were rolling down my cheeks as I was trying to revive a flat doll!

So off to Triage on Tuesday for a weeks placement, basically dealing with woman as they arrive at the maternity unit on an unplanned admission - we monitor, clerk and send to the correct part of the unit. We were quiet, there were no other students, one of our ladies decided she wasn't unwell but in advanced labour (OK so she didn't decide her body did) and I delivered her - it was amazing, wonderful, incredible, awesome and a massive cure for the negativity a previous mentor had given me! and so unexpected - hello baby number 31! nearly there.

So whats left?

half of a practice based assessment
3 x 1000 word reflective essays
a CV
a personal statement
13 weeks practice
10,000 dissertation
3 more antenatal checks (to get to 100)
9 more deliveries
5 more care in labour
47 more post natal checks (to make 100)
38 new born checks (to make - guess what? - 100!)
19 hand expressing care
13 more 'skills' to sign off

and a job to get ;/

wow so achievable (except maybe the last one, jobs are thin on the ground)

so close now people, so close now!

A little bit of fundraising

That isn't all over the national media.
Whilst I am sure Sport Relief is a very worthy cause there are so many smaller charities that don't get government funding, or huge celebratory promotion, or massive media presence.
Maybe if you tip a quid in the direction of Sport Relief you might want to give an equal amount to one of these smaller charities who struggle so much?

Direct Debit are running a big campaign at the moment

Recently a local friend blogger wrote a post nominating me for the award

It came at a time when I was struggling greatly with my training, my mentor at the time was giving me an incredibly hard time and I was doubting my abilities and wondering whether the last 2.5 years had been worth the heart break. Her words were like chicken soup for my soul. I had made a difference to her. That meant more than good marks in an assessment or an A* in an essay!

However I don't think I deserve that money. I am not in any great 'need' sure student life is tough, but hey I didn't train thinking I would be rich!

I have in turn nominated Hannah and her Mum, Julia (a single parent who gives her little girl an amazing quality of life, through sheer bloody hard work despite a lack of funding and yet still has her very autistic nephew to stay, offers to have my aspie kid, thinks nothing of taking the shirt of her back for you - a bit more about Julia's life is here), I ask you to please take the time to read her story here


I first met Hannah about 6 years ago when she joined the Brownies I used to run, no matter what sort of day I had, no matter how down I was - one smile from that little girl lit up the room and made you realise that the crap didn't matter.

4 years ago I started to raise money to buy an important piece of equipment to make Hannah and Julia's life easier. I have raised some money along the way - not as much as I would like, fundraising is hard going - not many people are willing to give, at times I felt like I was flogging a dead horse and then of course my life got in the way (Mr. B leaving, the course sucking my life) and I have not been as active as I should have been.

I know that Hannah needs so much more than the original equipment I set out to fund, and this money would go a long way to filling those needs

Please nominate Julia to win the money, I can not think of anyone who is more of a local hero than her!

Proud of my kids I am

yup really, little buggers they are. Drive me nuts most the time. But proud I am!

Biggest daughter has grown into a beautiful young woman, and despite the shocking commute hangs on to her job - not another unemployment statistic there, I am proud to say!

Middle girl, although she has her problems she does some very brave things - this week she not only took part in a multiple schools choir, but on the stage in front of 100's of strangers she stood up and spoke some lines - *bursts with pride*

Yesterday another Mum at school asked me if I was smallest childs mum, yeeeeees replies I, thinking what has she done now? I can tell you look alike replies the mum. Then she proceeds to tell me she had smallest child in her group onn school trip this week and what a delightful child she is - *yup totally proud popping going on here*!

Life might not be easy as a ingle Mum (yuck I hate writing that) but the rewards are so huge that sometimes its O.K