shit

I have never been a huge fan of Christmas

as a child it was always a stressful time, with mum and dad fighting

I just realised I am going to be on my own for Christmas

Shit

I can't do that

It is not a good time to be alone, not the time to be lonely

I dont know whether to laugh or cry at the thought of it

But I have to put on the smile and pretends its ok, because thats what we do isn't? god forbid other people should have to acknowledge how I feel, or see the pain I have.

So I will put the children to bed, hanging out their stockings and putting out santas sherry on my own
be woken up at silly o'clock and try not to give the empty bed space a weary look (you know the one 'awww bless them waking us up this early, but couldnt they bring a cup of tea with them' look)
I will lay the table for our traditional breakfast of croissants and scrambled eggs, minus a place setting
I will help the children open their presents, look at their faces and play with them

and I will try not to think about how lonely I am, and how no one cares whether I have a nice day or not.

And I can only hope against hope that he remembers to get them a card or present to give to me. because without even a card from the day will be truly awful

and lonely